Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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