Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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