how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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