They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
