I just pynch a tree in the face
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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