hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize