So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I need to calm my uterus...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
