I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the condom got lost in my hair
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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