I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
