Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
