I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
