I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Less talking, more tequila
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
