apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
