dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
