My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
