Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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