Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
