i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
