I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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