Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
