Your dad touched me again.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
