Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
