The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
