That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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