If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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