Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
