Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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