Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
