Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
