Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
