I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In other news, I just burned my penis
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
