she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
