I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize