i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
