I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
