I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
