the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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