i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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