Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She bit a glass in half.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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