i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
