Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
