DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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