so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
