his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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