Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
