So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
