I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize