Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
