just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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