The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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