White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
