i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
