I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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