Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you inspire me to be a worse person
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
