I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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