so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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