I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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