allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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