Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize